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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Here's one from last month.

Interesting situation really, and I just thought I'd have it out in the open because I know there are tons of guys who've probably been in similar situations...hopefully, better...and by 'better' I mean less painful and less meaningless. I must own up to the fact that my own habits and mindset in the past have led me down several painful paths. But these shackles are my own. As the last verse of the song World Leader Pretend by REM goes:

"This is my world
And I am the world leader pretend
This is my life
And this is my time
I have been given the freedom
To do as I see fit
It's high time I raze the walls
That I've constructed"

So, this was something that I carried with me for quite a long time...and now I'm in the 'unlearning' process. Funny thing though, because there is a fine line between unlearning and denying. You can deny everything (like the X-Files say) and pretend, or believe that you've unlearnt it. But unlearning is truly working backwards...and depending on what it is that you're trying to unlearn, it's that much more surprising at every turn...and as you go through with it it becomes that much more meaningful. So, here I was, one sunny day...and I was meeting an old friend. And, well, it turned out that I had to wait for a long while because I was trying to meet her at work...("a-ha" say your minds, eh?)...but 'm a patient guy...and so I waited. While waiting, and receiving odd looks from time to time (I'm Malayalee, I can't help it...hopefully I was not reeking of the dreaded 'coconut oil') I decided I'd pen down a few thoughts I was having. A momentous thing really, because it was like a mini insight into the thinking to follow over the last month. And while some of it may not make sense to you (or most of it even), I just thought I'd put it out there...and maybe delve into more background topics later. So, to recap the scenario...it was a workplace, and I was waiting...and thank God for the Nokia 6820 and the flip-top keypad.

"So, here I am. A couple of hours of waiting and I've realized some things. As a matter of fact, I guess that I've actually known these things to be true...but it was my denial of these things that kind of led me here. I'm the kind of person who has to see to believe. There are times when I'll confront myself with situations where I use the outcome to either disprove or emphasize things that I've long thought about...things about myself and the kind of person I am, usually.

So, here I am. This is one of those situations. And I've realized that my denial was a huge waste of time. It's unfortunate really, but sometimes you just have to let things happen in a particular way. It also helps to not think too highly of yourself. So much for the simple life.

And to think that there was so much time wasted. Not to worry, I've heard (and read) that things like this are natural. And it's a good thing...at the end of everything...it's always good, isn't it. This is where I bitterly weep. fall to the ground while pounding on my chest, yelling 'WHY'. Always the dramatist...tsk tsk tsk.

So, this is life. Funny how I haven't really thought about how things like this affect the world. But it has made me think about how everything has a time and place. Again, something I should've known all along...but, in a way, I'm happy to learn it now.

God works in mysterious ways. Better not to try and explain them...and I'm cool with that. A very happy day at the moment...It feels great to feel like this. THANK YOU GOD!!!

Still a million thoughts running through my head. But many of them are happy. An epiphany of sorts; everyone knew already, but guess who finally got the joke!

What a crazy little world there is inside my head. And at times it gets crazier! But for the most part, I seem to have control. Days like this need to come by more often. It's a good experience, and I guess that I've finally seen another kind of job up close. Interesting no doubt. I've thought about it, and I'm really very happy with where I am at the moment. I might go so far as to say that I've figured out the secret of life...Just be nice to everyone (all living things included), and be yourself; truly be who you are. A lesson learned...Now I need to follow it. "JUST DO IT YOU SONOFABITCH," I admonish myself. Would that be copyright infringement? Ok, now I'm just being stupid!!!

Carpe diem they say. Be free I say. And then again, easier said than done comes to mind. Hahahahahahahaha!!!
I never seem to tire of the inward laughing. Keep it up son!!!"


And there it is...don't know why...don't care really. A glimpse into the mind's eye...a scary place at times...but it's home after all....home...sweeet...home!
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