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Friday, July 01, 2005 such sweet sorrow Pt. 4

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." - Jim Morrison

A good one to end the 'series of Jim' I thought. And another one that has caused me to look deep within myself. And every time I read this I found myself either agreeing with some parts and disagreeing with other parts, or completely agreeing and the disagreeing with the subsequent reading. Why? Maybe there was something about this that I could identify with. "You are your own worst enemy." Some days it's hell in my head...other days, I learn to ignore it. But masking my pain...why? What is the reason? Why do I have to hide anything? Are there scars there which I don't want the world to see?

"And I don't want the world to see me...Coz I don't think that they'd understand" - Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls. No one will ever understand...but why is that so important? I act, live, and feel the way I do because I want to. Therefore, anything that I do is purely an expression of my 'self'. But, at the same time, there are restraints on the level of 'self' that is acceptable. Kinda going back to yestedays quote for a second. But, what is it, or who is it that tells us that it's unacceptable to behave in a certain way? Society? Yes...there are some things that are acceptable for you to do and somethings that if done will earn you the scorn of society. In older, more traditional cultures, things like divorce and marrying outside of the comunity. In today's world, female infanticide, and child labor, to name a few. Family? When a parent admonishes you for your behaviour in a public place, or at a friend's house because it's embarassing them. Or when it seems as though the only things that they know about you are things that they hear from other people or read in report cards, and they make it a point to bring these up in every conversation that involves introducing you to other people. Painful to know that you're the same blood, and that's your only point of commonality... Friends? When they take you for granted, or don't have the courtesy to respect you enough to say that they appreciate what you've done for them. A rare occurrence...painful nonetheless. Self? When every second of every day you continue to berate yourself for things done and mistakes made, whether yesterday or many many years ago. All pain...but no reasons to hide any of it. Why then? What is it that keeps it all inside and thinks it more dangerous to let the world see it all. Fear? Fear of ridicule? Fear of realizing that the mountains that you carry on your back are really nothing more than molehills?...or earthworm castings even. Fear of humiliation? Fear of being told that you had got it all wrong, and that in reality, there is nothing there... Fear of melting down? a nuclear reactor with an out of control core...slowly succumbing to the radiation as it eats away from the inside.

So do I fear the pain? No. It is the source of my strength...the force that drives me and continues to provide the impetus that is the momentum I call life. My only fear is that of the pain winning over me. To be controlled by pain, I shudder at the thought. But it will only control me if it has no other avenue. We believe love to be an antidote to pain...but they're one and the same thing, aren't they? The lack of one, and the void created only to be filled by the other.

Are we truly ashamed to show our feelings for what they are? Do we show shades of our true white light through the a filter...hues and shades of the truth. Perhaps. Why? Because with pain, we're not at a point to feel any more of it. We're uncertain of the response, and that is the scariest choice of all. What will the world think of my pain? Why can I not go out into the world and be me? Or can I hold myself back?

"It's all in how you carry it," said Jim...but he doesn't tell us how. Does it matter? Is there any 'one' way to carry it? Should we carry it at all? Isn't the idea to 'unload the baggage' and live a life free of pain? But how far can we remove pain from our lives? It's part of life...and the sooner we accept this the better. But the question of what part, or how important a part of our life pain should be still remains. Do I hold on to past trangressions, and deeds committed in spite for the rest of my life? Will this fuel never be vanquished? Will the fire burn forever...long after I am gone?

Ashamed to admit that pain is a strength,
Only too sure that it's a slow death.
The mind its refuge, its cave, its den.
The heart gropes blindly, in this labyrinth.
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