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Wednesday, July 13, 2005 such sweet sorrow Pt. 8

"A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed...It feels an impulsion...this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons." - Richard Bach

The last one in the series of Richard Bach quotes...which is not to say that either Mr. Bach or Mr. Morrison don't have anything interesting left to say. Their wisdom is a result of the lives they led and the world they were/are a part of.

I guess I'm on this whole trip of life being 'predetermined' and 'foreordained'...and I thought I'd begin with my mental progress to this point. Well, there are some who may argue about the 'mental' progress bit (saying it's regress, and laughing at it...hahahaha...very funny, indeed). But, for the most part, I don't think that my life has gone anywhere but forward...and I am thankful for having the sense to realize it now. From the 'early' days, through much of the "making sense of the world" phase and any other emotional turmoil I may have experienced/brought upon myself, I found that my thinking took on a shade of mistrust. A natural reaction no doubt, because once hurt, an individual tends to shy away from the source of the pain, or from a similar situation that would seem to cause that pain. This is, of course, unless you're "Sammy Jankis" from the movie, Memento. And so it went...until during my teens this stance became a lot more rigid, and refusal to do things because of 'not feeling like' doing something became the mainstay of my existence. However, there was a spark that appeared on the scene, and it seemed to say to me that I should climb out of the 'shell' that I had created for myself. Then, or now, rather, the shell still exists, albeit in bits and pieces, but for the most part there is a lot of change, or so I feel. The main point of interest for me, is that throughout all of this, 'this' being my life, mind you, was that I continued to question the direction that things were taking...persistently! Unfortunately, most of the answers at that time seemed to be viewed through the lens of pessimism, and so a large part of my life, to this point, was spent in copious amounts of self-pity. Now, I seem to realize that the point to my life is that I'm here to enjoy the journey. Sure it sounds idealistic, and I'm not one to claim that by blindly going along the 'simplistic' path I can overcome/rid myself of certain aspects of my character with a single sweeping action. But, I will say this, and that is the experiment that is my life is now beginning to show that it is, in fact, just a journey.

Why do we ever question why we're here? Isn't it enough that we are? Will knowing help us go through our lives with any more vigor and vitality? Will it suddenly infuse our lives with an awesome dose of joie de vivre? Or will we suddenly realize that the life we imagined for ourselves is a glorious facade? Are we only meant to be like every other living thing on this planet; to live, to eat, to die? Is this all we really are?

And why does any of this matter? Is it because we're too caught up with the greatness of 'humanity'? Is it this same 'humanity' that makes us less human and more like the 'beasts' we seek to separate ourselves from?

So, just as the clouds in the quote, life as a series of impulses has thus far been interesting. Like Isaiah Berlin said, "Essentially, I have lived an unplanned life." It seems harder to let go of the control that you think you have over your life...but here's to making the effort. To an unplanned life, and a life less ordinary. Cheers.
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