It was perhaps a week ago. And things happened, of a nature where you feel like you're going to die because your heart's been torn out. But, being a creature of logic and rationalizing everything to it's most simple and basic constituents, well, I found that I was trying to remove myself mentally from what was happening. Looking back now, well, things aren't that much clearer, but they seem to sit better in my head. And for that I'm thankful.
Funny how sometimes in pursuit of what's best, we end up hurting other people. So where do we draw the line? Do we give ourselves and what we want more priority? Or do we live for other people. There are more than enough arguments for both.
Perhaps figuring out what we really want would help. Perhaps waiting and letting things happen is the key. Who is to say that any one thing will answer all of the questions we have from one day to the next. I guess on the one hand I'm sick of saying, "And so it goes," or "That's life." It doesn't have to be this way. Maybe the point of this whole 'life' thing is to know when to step up and when to let someone else handle it.
Wow! Things are really complicated, yet, somehow they're not. What's wrong with throwing caution to the wind anyway? Is it wrong because there's a time and place for everything? Or is that a man-made institutional type thing. I don't know, sometimes it's hard enough just waking up in the morning.
What the hell is going on? I mean, sometimes the thing is that I don't want to know anything. It hurts to have perspective sometimes, but sometimes there is greater pain in blindness...not so much for not being able to see, but more than anything, it's because I see too much. It hurts to have a clear vision of what life will be like.
But that's for some things...for the rest of it you have to wing it. Being afraid of winging it for most of my life, I find that in some ways I've painted myself into a corner. But now, now that I'm master of my own life, winging it seems to be the thing to do.
Look around you once in a while. Look at people's faces as they stand at a street corner waiting to cross the road, as they drive past you, as they come up to you with the most pathetic expression they can muster and ask for money...look at them. Isn't their pain your own? Don't they go through the same things that you do? Then why is it so hard to relate to people? Some days I look at people, and I see my past, present, and future being enacted so vividly before me. Strange though it may be, it's the way things are. And some days I smile, other days I shrug my shoulders and walk on by. Why? What is it that I'm afraid to admit...to come to terms with? Where is the pain? Is it a figment of my imagination? Or am I of the opinion that I'm somehow above it all?
Maybe if people helped carry the burdens of the billions of wandering souls, then we could all truly be free. Who's to say that we can't all be free? The shackles that bind us are trivial, yet, we make mountains of molehills and ruin our lives trying to undo the damage that we so blindly accepted in the first place. It's a terrible way to go through life fighting the walls we've built up. We are our own worst enemies. Why can't we try and be our own best friends? It isn't so hard to love ourselves, and in doing so we open the doors to loving others as we love ourselves. In the words of the Three Musketeers, "All for one! And one for all!"
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