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Friday, October 28, 2005

Random Thoughts...28OCT2005

Things have been on the mind. I mean, when are they ever not, right? But for some people more than others, and it's sad, and totally understandable that this happens...the hardest part is figuring out why. Perhaps we shouldn't ask. But isn't that what makes us human? Isn't our ability to rationalize our actions, and well, opposable thumbs, what makes us the species that we are? Wasn't it in trying to rationalize the falling of the apple on his head that Sir Isaac Newton created a concept, anyway. So, after all of this, why not ask why?

After years of not getting anything that even vaguely resembled an answer to even 5% of all the questions that I asked and could ask in a given day, I find that this curiousity hasn't been extinguished. Well, you might say that something has to suffer for another thing to flourish, and therefore, if I am still curious and 'captivated' by the whole thing then I'm either going about the questioning all wrong, or that I'm barking up the wrong tree and letting the world pass me by. Fair enough. I mean, I have seen that happen in my life. But is it a bad thing? What's wrong with not wanting to LIVE live and just wanting to be. Kind of like making sure you stay afloat in water and allowing external forces to carry you around to where they feel you are best suited. Sometimes they may not take you where you want to go, or help you do something well...sometimes you find yourself in the middle of something that damn near kills you! But what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, right?

And then another thought about how believing that is one thing, but saying it to hundreds and thousands of civilians who are assaulted and mutilated, because they woke up one morning to find themselves, unwittingly, in the middle of communal violence and religious retaliations the world over, is a totally different thing altogether. How would it be to have to walk into a ward full of people, everyone, from toddlers missing arms and legs to adults with half a face, or barely breathing...and tell them that whatever doesn't kill them can only make them stronger. And why wouldn't they turn around and say, "Well, whatever doesn't make you stronger can only kill you." Is there any truth to this now reversed statement? Maybe you should ask the millions of obese people in the world. Maybe not. But it's all about relevance isn't it. I mean, there truly is a time and place for everything. Wow, who would've thought.

Then I begin to wonder about the fact that all human knowledge is, in fact, subjective. Yet, the attempt to impose what the 'few' with the ability to do so deems important on everyone else is both a crime as well as gross negligence or unwillingness to acknowledge another person as a fellow human being. But you can't listen to each and every person if you want to get shit done in this world, eh? I mean, it's easier for people to do your bidding so that things in the real world match, or attempt to match the way they are in your head, than for you to have to deal with what everyone else wants. But how is that being 'human'? If I was an aid worker handing out food packets to refugees would I worry about things like appropriate ingredients etc.? Or would I be concerned about getting as much food as I can to as many people as possible? And what if people were clambering all over me in a frenzy to try and get food? Would I just let them and slowly get out of the way fully understanding what they must be going through? Or would I turn around, throw a couple of people off me and try and impose some order to proceedings? What am I more likely to do?...and why? He he he. Haunted by that question. Why am I haunted by it? Arrrggghhh!!!!

And then I look at myself at the moment. Haven't done anything. Haven't saved anything...or anyone. Haven't been lucky in love...wait, a more accurate way to put that would be have been lucky in love, but haven't had the brains to work on maintaining that luck. Haven't done almost all the things that I planned to do by the end of this spite of giving myself from the beginning of last year to try and achieve/do them. Haven't managed to keep in touch with anyone consistently. Haven't known what I've been doing at work, yet I show up every morning. Haven't gotten a further degree, again as planned...but worthy enough of being a separate point. Haven't tried putting a list like this together ever, and now that I'm doing it it's getting to be rather depressing. He he he. Well, until this point in time this was another thing that I hadn't done.

And then I come back to the whole 'lucky in love' thing. I have been lucky, I vehemently retort to myself. I mean, I've shared very meaningful relationships with people before, and I'm very capable of doing it again. But what I've realized that I let these things get to a make-it-or-break-it stage and then complain about being trapped and how I don't have enough room, or some other cliched bull. Or I get panicky at hearing "those 3 words" said to me and reciprocate, almost as if by reflex, but without meaning a word of it....and later on, when this fallacy is detected, the pain that was being attempted to be gotten rid of is back with a vengeance, and 100-fold! Like bloody 'Amrutanjan Strong' or something. But what is it that I look for in a relationship? How far am I willing to go to make "the other person" happy? Why is that what I think in my head is often a total and utter misconception of the real world and its workings? Maybe it's the problem of thinking and not doing. Maybe it's a problem of approaching 'love' with a concept in mind, rather than with open arms and an empty heart. Maybe love IS overrated. Maybe this ranting is a sure sign of 'not getting any' and it's been so long that the often obviously visible demarcation between love and lust has become too blurred. Confusing the one for the other, another vice. But have you ever had anyone come up to you and say, "I lust for you"? I wish... He he he.

But in retrospect, it hurts to know that the apparently in-built ability to destroy something that is beautiful, especially in terms of the couple of truly meaningful relationships that I've had in my life, strikes most true, and often without fail. There are even times when I have refrained from doing something, just to ensure that I am not the catalyst or even the main ingredient in the ultimate failure of the relationship. But, inevitably, it leads me to the same end, again almost without fail. No, I don't regret it. As far as possible I try and explain my actions. And where there is no explanation, and only the cold hard truth surrounding an act of outright idiocy, well, it's been a long time coming, but I am getting used to accepting it. Taking the blame for your own gross errors is a lesson that people need to remind themselve that they've learnt already. So, I'm guilty of messing things up. But being guilty doesn't help. No, it's like one of those toy punching dummies that comes right back up everytime you knock it down, only to mock you with its undying grin. "So you're guilty of messing up this last beautiful relationship AND not only are you feeling bad about messing up as usual, but you're also hoping that one day you'll find someone who'll make you as happy as you will them. How 'sad' is That?!?!?" Yup, even the voices in your head can deal you a terrible blow every now and then. So, here I am, all messed up and not knowing what to do. If it's possible to do something without doing it, then that's exactly what I'm doing. And how well I do it! Hmm, still waiting.

And then there's this whole thing about wanting the other person to know some things about you right up front so that they can decide whether or not the really want to get 'into' anything with you. That means, that life suddenly becomes an "open book", possibly even the hottest new bestseller, and I start "pouring out" things that I'm now sure "the other" person wasn't even listening to anyway. And I never understood why I did that? Was it supposed to be like a fail-safe mechanism of some sort where in spite of my telling you how uncool and uncouth I am, if you did agree to 'sign on the dotted line' then you can't blame me for doing something that I had warned you about earlier. Made a helluva lot of sense before. Now it's like WTF? Indeed. I guess you, and "the other" person both need to be willing to stick around and work out differences, no matter how difficult it may seem at times. Well, that's easy to say, but doing it hasn't been my forte, if you know what I mean. I'm working on it though, and I know this because I think about and again.

Maybe my problem is that I end up waiting for so many things in my life. I don't know, but having had to wait for things, at times ad nauseum, I've discovered the amazing ability to spend endless hours with myself in solitude. How's that for adaptation. But, I don't mind the wait, because I can always find something to occupy my mind and pass the watch the birds, or the people...or mess about with the geometric patterns that you see on a carpet, or on the bathroom tiles...formulate theories and strategems that would have changed the course of history...sometimes all of the above. But waiting is waiting, and I still do it gladly. Who am I waiting for? Or for what? I don't know. Wait, I think I do...but there are some who believe that speaking about something before it happens can 'jinx' it. So, as opposed to my otherwise que sera sera approach to life, I will take this one seriously. And what of pacts made with God? Will he forsake me now? Does he ever break a promise? Or is it you who never lives up to your end of the bargain? Well, what else, things are going alright, I guess. And having made a positive statement about the present state of affairs I look around for a piece of wood to touch, so that I don't jinx this. Damned electrodyne furniture...guess I'll have to touch my own head. Does that make me a blockhead? Probably not, but asking that last question is a sure fire way of getting your ass kicked.

And then you wonder why things are the way at the moment. Why so many natural disasters? Why such bad weather here in Bangalore? Why did they send Irfan Pathan in to bat at the fall of Sehwag's wicket vs. Sri Lanka the other day? How did they know it would work? How much longer will the rains torment people? Why does the traffic situation in Bangalore seem that much worse everyday? What sort of person am I really...I mean REALLY! Why do I do some of the things I do? Why do I find that there is often very little consistency in some things that I do? Is this really problem? Or is my problem the fact that I spent the better part of most days entertaining thoughts like this, rather than ambitious, productive, and otherwise-able-to-generate-an-alternate-source-of-income thoughts? Well, now that's something to think about...for another day.
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