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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Why?

Three letters. One word. Adverb, Conjunction, Noun, and Interjection. Questioning the cause, purpose or reason for something. Or just trying to be funny by saying, "Why, look at what the cat dragged in." But still, a very small word. Not the smallest, but definitely far away from being threatening or menacing. Or is it?

I've always remembered searching for reasons. Somehow, knowing the 'why' to most things always made me feel comfortable. It was nice to be able to go to sleep knowing that everything made sense and that the world was still a cause-effect kind of place. I guess the one highlight that comes to mind is the award for Curiosity that I received at the end of the 3rd Grade. Well, they had to give everyone something, so at least I was curious during that entire academic year I guess. And so it went, always asking 'why'. Why is cornflour and water an interesting mixture? Why does it behave like a liquid sometimes and like a solid at other times? Things of this nature.

And the questioning never really stopped. At times it would be about academic stuff, at other times it was about life. And then, all of a sudden, life took most of my time. A close second was questioning life. In third place? Everything else. Why are things this way? Why can't I just jump high enough and dunk the damn ball? Why do I look this way? Why does she always treat me like shit? Why can't I get a 4.0 GPA?

Occasionally, there would be the odd 'joker' who'd give me one of those "Why ask why, try but try" spiels. And I'd laugh, you know, to be polite. And then the world became the thoughts in my head. And then followed reality. No way of checking it out though. No bites. It was all peaceful. The perpetual search; why for and why art.

And then the searching stopped. It caved in to madness. It gave way to a silent unwillingness...to do anything. It was a search that didn't want to be found. It was just trying to be. But "being" wasn't enough. And soon, searching wasn't enough.

I met someone the other day who refused to answer any question that I asked her that began with the word "Why". Occasionally, when the questioning got a little persistent she'd say, "No reason."

And that's when I realized. I was so constantly searching for something that I didn't realize what I was becoming...who I had turned into. I was searching so hard that I didn't bother to stop...and just let the world be the way it is, without my trying to interfere in and try and control things.

So, why do we doing something? Or why did something happen in a particular way? Does it really matter? Or are you too afraid to let go and just float...suspended and moving ever so slowly...never really knowing what next...or why.
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