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Friday, November 11, 2005

3-sided coin

This next 'set' of "thoughts" and stuff had to do with a special relationship that I was in...well, as it turns out, the only one. Saying that doesn't make it any less special for me, however. Well, I would call it a well-balanced relationship, but to say that one would have to be well-balanced oneself, eh? He he he. Now, it did have it's fair share of ups and downs, and let me tell you some of those ups were way were the downs that tended to be really a long way down. But it's all good, and as one who has always been averse to tension between two individuals, well, it was a learning experience. Again, I must admit that things, when done, were not done in small measure, especially the things I said and did. Yanyway, the reason this is 3-sided is because one is bitterly bitter, the next one is a step in the opposite direction, and the last one is a note... At this point I'd like to say Parental Advisroy: Explicit Lyrics. Well, not all of it.

Side 1

I was two steps behind you.
But you left me there.
And I waited for you.
Then you said you didn't care.
Now I die within, and more.
And you'll just be a stupid fucking whore!
Note: This is a response 5 yrs later. Hahaha. This is quite immature and idiotic. Its only value is that it shows the frame of mind at that time. 11NOV2003

Side 2

I think I've met somebody.
At first nobody,
But now more to me than just anybody.

Her love keeps me alive.
But for her love I must strive.
Lest she leave me out to die.

I hope she knows, that my love
Is just a cut above
The other men she's loved.

For her, I really do care
Her life I'd like to share
This love; beyond compare.

And now I bid adieu.
Gardez cette femme Mon Dieu.

Side 3: The Note

I might have liked people and had many 'crushes' before, but now I love you. This is not meant to sound like some sort of 'status report' letting you know where our relationship stands. But it's just to tell you that I love you more than life, because you gave me life. I want you to be mine once again, but I can't ask you to go through all the pain repeatedly. I'm a really wierd guy and you still don't know it. Just remember, if not in this lifetime, then sometime in the future, you are going to be mine and we WILL spend the rest of our days together.
Note: Talking to myself (a favorite passtime), I would say, "Dude, just forget about this and stop hassling her."

And that's 3-sided...somehow. Well, I've realized that since I have been posting stuff from before, some of it from a little further back than other bits of it, my first reaction has been one of embarassment. I guess I was afraid that it would seem very juvenile and somehow ridiculous to post it at this time. I also realized that I would be embarassed because of the fact that this was a very private time in my life...and to suddenly come out and be like, "Well, this is some stuff from..." and just lay it all out on the table and stuff would seem very pushy and inconsiderate of other people's NOT wanting to hear about it. But then again, I don't seem to care about that, eh? I mean, it's time grow up and finally have the courage to say, "Alright! It was me! I was the one!" Well, if only all of us could be so honest or brave...or both! No. We all have to go through the motions and evolve. Hopefully we've gone through this period of chrysalis and emerged as butterflies. That is the aim in life, isn't it? Wait, that's one of them...and I'm guessing not for all of us too. Oh well...

Also, I'm not really into talking about past relationships and stuff, and I guess I'm not really, but revisitng such vivid memories in my head seems to bring it all back, like a breath of fresh air. And then I can't just let it be that way and be chilled out about I set off on a short, brisk walk down "memory lane".

I guess the hardest part about the whole relationship thing is school was the fact I didn't know where things would go once 'graduation' happened and everyone went their separate ways after being the only people around for each other. And so it was with love. Surprisingly, one of the things that came up was whether to go long-distance or not. I mean, it's not quite like choosing between Verizon or AT&T. There's a lot that goes into it, and what was necessary was a clearer head, and a more open attitude. Being a "stubborn mule" didn't help anything. However, years later, or 'years hence' as I like to say, it appears that things have, in fact, turned out for the best. Never doubt the Gita, eh? And so, I find myself here, right now, embracing life with all it's uncertainties and tragedies, for the moments of joy in between are/were truly beautiful. Thank You...
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