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Friday, January 06, 2006

After the party is the 'after-party'...

"We last left our hero in a very 'dreamy' state at a New Year party that was already underway. The location, according to our protagonist, was "Perfect". Now, several glasses of wine later, a little tipsy, and 'feeling' the rhythm of whatever song is playing, our hero finds himself on the dance floor having a 'nice' time."

And that was how the night closed. The next morning, and after painfully realizing that more had been drunk as opposed to eaten, well, it was time to try and 'readjust'. Luckily, the wine came out exactly as it went in...closely on the heels of one litre of water that followed it in, that is. Feeling much better, immediately, I was able to fill up on the 'spread' of fruits that awaited the house. Well, the rest of the morning was spent just trying to catch up on hours of lost sleep in a matter of minutes...yeah, I agree...nice try. And then it came down to whether or not we would stay for lunch...or not. We stayed, and like everything else, that too was awsome! A perfect trip! After graciously thanking the hosts, and after Kaps came back to get me because it appeared I was 'extending' my farewells beyond the acceptable limit, well, we left.

We drove back to Bombay/Mumbai, and managed to catch some time at Anjori's before I headed out for my filght. Again, I was pretty amazed at the efficiency of Indian (formerly Indian Airlines but still IC in airline code) because I actually got a call well before the flight informing me that there was a 1/2 hour delay. Impressive I thought, although it did happen on my way down from Bangalore too. Still, I thought, or maybe I was just pleasantly surprised that the most hated domestic carrier of all times had finally done something right, or made the effort to do so at least. So how was the journey back to BLR? Insane!

That's right, it was INSANE! First, I got to the airport like an hour and a half before my flight and tried to get my boarding pass. That, unfortunately, took me an hour. But that's ok, because I still had like 45 minutes for my flight. And so, I got a bite to eat; a veg roll, and a serving of chocolate milk. Well, one of those sealed cups that you usually get orange juice in...that sort of thing. Annyway, after chowing down and annoying the lady who 'manned' the desk leading to the Security Check area, I suddenly realized that I may have to explain the contents of my bag...'gift' and all! matter...there was other stuff to deal with before then.

Well, the wierd thing was, the display kept showing that our flight had been rescheduled to the time that I was informed of by phone...but nothing seemed to happen as we slowly and most definitely approached that time. So, standing there at 8:50 pm, we were finally asked to go through security check and get on th plane...which had been rescheduled to 9:00 pm. So, I put my bag on the conveyor belt of the baggage scanner and made my way to the 'frisking' area. Actually, come to think of it, there should be laws against 'public frisking'...because sometimes it sure seems like these guys have a little too much fun. So, after I'd been 'teased' by the guard, I discovered that one of the guys from the baggage scanner was running to his supervisor with my bag in his hand. "Arrey?" So I followed him, and I heard his supervisor ask what was in the bag. When he whispered the word 'handcuffs' under his breath, his supervisor lost it! All the "maa-bhen" gaali came out and he was foaming at the I did the only thing that I know how to do well, because it comes so naturally to me...I smiled as vacuously as possible at him, identified the bag as mine and asked what seemed to be the problem. He he he.

"Are you travelling with a prisoner?" he asked me sternly.
"Ha ha. No no. Let me just show you what it is. Ok?"
"No, first you tell me. Are you travelling with a prisoner?" he repeated with unflinching sternness.
"Just give me a second," I said jokingly, as I reached down to open my bag and appease the apparent indignant curiousity of the cops surrounding me.
"There you go. Look inside the bag." I said to the supervisor, still smiling from ear-to-ear.

So he did...and his austere expression changed to one of disgust, in a matter of seconds. Then he looked up at me with a "che" kind of expression, handed me the 'goodies', apologized under his breath, and briefly admonished his subordinate by pointing out that it was a 'toy'. I'm sure he meant, or probably thought that it was something that kids play with...but that doesn't really explain the 'red velvet' effect now, does it? Furthermore, and more importantly, think of the children...Think Of The CHILDREN!!! Anyway, so I made it past that point unscathed; a laughing stock, but unscathed. He he he. And then came the time to enjoy the rather bare waiting area, you know, as we continued to wait at 9:20 pm for a flight that was supposed to have already left. much for the revamped Indian, right? Not quite.

The icing on the cake was the fact that they got us on the aircraft, closed the doors, and then told us that the APU wasn't working. What does that mean? That means the air conditioning will not work while we're on the ground...which was what they told us. But they still wouldn't open the door. So, after numerous complaints from some irate, and rather sweaty folks seated behind me, one of them, a lady with a 4 yr-old child, got up and said she was going to get off the aircraft and get some fresh air. She charged down the aisle like an elephant that'd just broken free of it's shackles, child in her arms and all that, not to mention the foghorn-like volume level that she'd worked herself up to. Anyway, the action moved to the front of the aircraft, so I went back to my magazine. I was sweating, and there's nothing worse than a sweaty Malayalee, but I was hoping that we would take off soon enough. Nope. A couple of minutes later, the following announcement rang out loud and clear over the speakers: "Ladies and Gentlemen, is there a doctor or MBBS on board? If so, please report to Business Class."

WTF???!?!? What happened? This ride was going from bad to worse, and really fast too! As it turns out, there was another guy in Business Class who had been politely requesting the air hostess to be allowed off the plane momentarily to get some fresh air. I guess after being constantly/consistently badgered with the whole please-wait-till-we-take-off spiel he just couldn't take it he collapsed. But he was alright, thank God! However, with this latest addition to the list of things-that-don't-seem-to-be-going-right, we were further delayed. Not to worry though, because there WAS a doctor on board, and he took a look at this guy and said that he was suffering from 'exhaustion'. Well, thank God he was in Business Class, otherwise he'd be suffering from all the B.O., 'broken wind', and other unholy aromas that were slowly but surely making their way to the back of the aircraft. Ooof! Nasal assault only! No no, it was pretty much anaerobic respiration at that point!!! But, lo and behold, the aircraft was taxiing out to whichever runway it was supposed to take off from. And, after a much undeserved ordeal, especially on New Year's day, we were off.

How's that for a memorable trip eh? But still, and now that I've finally completed my story about the Indian ordeal, and whatnot, well, I'd still like to reiterate that I had an excellent time! It was great! And before I forget, here's the text/instructions on the back of the 'tube of lube' promised. ;-)

Durex PLAY(TM) Pleasure Enhancing Tingling Lubricant
"Smooth on a little lube and you'll feel heightened tingling sensations. This long lasting lube is so silky it can be used all over the body making it ideal for a top to toe tingling experience."

How to use:

  • Twist pump to open.
  • Shake well before use.
  • At first squeeze one measure of lube and smooth on to your erogenous zones.
  • When you experience the tingle sensation, reapply as often as you want.
PLAY(TM) tingling lubricant is ideal for use with Durex condoms and can be applied to the condom when it is already on. However, it is not a contraceptive and does not contain spermicide.

So, in closing, be careful what you wish for, and how much of it you wish for. Hahaha. Just kidding. I hope you've all had an excellent 1st week of 2006! God be with you as you go through this year one day at a time. Oh, and God bless.

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