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Friday, January 13, 2006

On a day like this...

Well, it's time for some rambling now, and I just thought I'd say that...oh sorry, when I said that "it's time for rambling now," I guess I was talking about it as if I had decided on behalf of everyone else or something. Sorry. What I was trying to say was that since the New Year 'madness' that kept me going, and even though I managed to meet up with a couple of good old friends and all that, well, I'm feeling terribly hollow for some reason.

I can't quite place what it is, but the most obvious answer seems to be, and I'm sure you'll agree, the lack of a 'special' person in my life. Well, it's not like this happened overnight or something, and I'm sure if I got into details it may even appear to be that way to some, but it's been a slow and steady build-up to this point. Well, I guess so anyway. And the crazy thing is, and I don't quite know how else to put it, the last year saw me give up a totally awesome relationship for a 'momentary lapse of reason' proof to the adage that there is a world of difference between book smarts and common sense. I don't know, but I well and truly realize that it was my fault...and the REALLY sad thing is that no matter how many times I say it, nothing's going to change, and things won't get any better. But will they get necessarily worse? Hmm...I leave that to the philosophers...who care.

I don't know what 'love' is...that's my most honest confession. And for any of you thinking that it sounds like a variation of that '80s song, just don't even go there. But I have my own idea of it...somehow it seems to almost always, and come to think of it, raaaather inevitably be something that the relationship LEAST requires. In other words, and to wantonly use this particular transition, I'm my own wrecking ball. And I've thought about why this could be. The first reason that comes to mind is emotional baggage...which is pretty sad. I mean, I guess I've attempted to make peace with my past for ages now, and perhaps it's finally happening, now that I'm more responsible (Tee hee hee, I can't believe I said that about myself. PMS man...Pompous Malayalee Syndrome). Or maybe it's because I just try and be "all that I can be" and get really chilled out about the whole thing and... Or maybe the reason is that I bring too much 'me' to the relationship. Or maybe it's a lethal combination of all of this and I seem to be somehow unable to break free...or something. What musings these be, eh? Alright, I'll shut the hell up now.

I'll be in Tellicherry/Thalasserry, Kerala, for the weekend because we get Saturday off this week. HOORAY!!! It's Pongal/Makara Sankranti on Saturday...harvest festivals in Tamil Nadu and Karnataka, respectively. So, wishing all of you a Happy Pongal / Happy Makara Sankranti!!! Yenjoy Panenge/Maadi!!!
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