So you've been going back to some of the entries from last year, and those that have been posted a little more recently than that. It's been an interesting sort of browsing experience, in a very slow, bovine, chewing-the-cud-and-happy-to-be-be-doing-it sort of way. Perhaps the biggest point of interest was the fact that things seemed different a little while ago, and although you can't necessarily say that you're in a better place, at least it's a different place. On the other hand, however, there are times when all it seems to be about is the sheer stagnation that is life.
Then things become unbearable, and the only feeling welling up inside is hate: pure, utterly despicable, there's-no-way-out-but-big-guns-and-lots-of-explosives type vehemence. There's no telling when this slowly creeps up on you, and you have no idea what it's trying to do to you. Before you know it, it begins to start nagging you to do something. Then, it's all about getting what you deserve from the world...and you feel your heart rate go up, and you're just itching for a fight. And you don't know what's going on, or why things happen the way they do, and what the hell everyone else has been doing to not notice these annoying occurrences that happen from one day to the next. And the more you get annoyed the more you happen to notice these causes for your annoyance. Your entire life becomes a sort of nightmarish witness to a random series of peevish acts of the people around you and you're pretty sure you're either going to scream or to slowly squeeze the life out of the next person who misspells your name, or puts two spoons of sugar in your coffee when you specifically asked for one! It's a vicious cycle of hate fueling more hate with a dash of self-inflicted misery for good measure. And just when you think you're going to reach for the nearest sharp object to stab the victim who happens to be closest to you, poor guy...or just when you consider putting a loaded firearm to your forehead because it's just too much to take you feel something pop...
And the world feels a little different, but you know there's something crazy about it. It's as if all that rage you were just feeling suddenly burst into a million, billion, gajillion little you's all running around inside your head. It's like they've finally been released from the madcap jail that you'd imposed on them a while ago to try and focus your anger, so it starts to feel good. But as soon as you thought you felt the euphoria set in you begin to feel a little queasy. There you were seeing the world in varying shades of red, and now you can't hear yourself think. Well, it's you who's doing the thinking, alright...but there's just so much, or would that be so many, of you to listen to that you can't stand it. It's like the Lilliputian versions of yourself are now holding your Gulliver-like mind hostage. Now, bound hand to foot and at the mercy of these fiendish, impish creatures, you begin to question yourself. Who am I? What was I before? Where will I be who I want to be, and why, now? What does all of this mean to me? How can the world play such a cruel joke on one so innocent as me?
And then you feel yourself frown. Shorn of all your pride, without an ounce of dignity in you, you begin to feel the sides of your mouth go south, and your life go into a very grave and surely somber spiral. It's more like a whirlpool because you can feel yourself sinking. Like Charlie Gordon, you feel your poor head getting heavier and heavier, not with any sort of knowledge per se, but with a whole lot of feeling sorry and not knowing what the great big world is going to do to you, or if you're going to be able eat your next meal, or if your closest friends will be upset with you, or if your parents will throw a fit because you unwittingly caused them some grief, or simply because you don't know how to tell another person that you need to get a clean pair of diapers on ASAP. And you feel your eyes well up a bit...and as much as you hate to cry you know you're not going to able to help it this time...but it still upsets you to no end to do so...and this just makes you feel more frustrated about everything...and then you bawl like a little baby that's been rudely awakened from a deep and peaceful slumber.
Now that your tears have all been shed, you begin to feel relieved. It's like things are slowly but surely falling back into place. Maybe the world was just messing with you and trying to see if you had the guts to stand up to all that it dished out to you. Maybe it was all in your head and you were just having a helluva time with everything because you're a bigger idiot that you care to admit. But still, no point wondering about any of this because it's all in the past now. And now that you're smiling, or certainly feeling the urge to do so, you find that it feels good. Yes, it's a nice, warm and cozy feeling that you relish, and you begin to wonder why you ever let things go so awry, and get so far out of hand. It's nice to be so technicolor-ful, and all that happened before is just a bad memory...or at least you hope that it will become so at some point in the near future. But now there's no reason to complain. There's even pep in your step. The world is a silly place, or seems to be that way now. And all of a sudden you're standing on top of it smiling from ear to ear! You notice that it's contagious because the more you smile the more people seem to be smiling back. Even those who look at you like you're either a lunatic or just simply possessed can't help but wonder what is going on with you. Wow! If this is bliss then you're already looking to get in line for a second helping of some more of this good stuff!
So the night was wonderful, and you feel well rested because you went to bed with a smile and woke up with one. Was all of that pain and anguish a load of bull? Was it a bad dream? Did it happen at all? Is there any way of knowing? Do you want to know? Well, if knowing meant revisiting the scenes of this slow but sure deluge of insane thoughts then no thank you! So what do you make of it? Is this one of those when-life-gives-you-lemons... things that you kept hearing about from all those self-help books you glanced through at the bookstore? Or is it just a case of a reality bite that left a scar for a while? And now that the scar has healed completely, well, it seems to be no more like a distant memory.
But you can't quite turn your back on it. No siree! If it happened to you before, and you seem to recollect that this last episode wasn't necessarily the first, then you can expect it to happen again. But you're sure you can see it from a mile away this time because for some reason that you can't quite place your finger on, this time around felt a lot different. It was almost as if you'd stepped a lot closer to the edge, and now that you'd been there you know what it's like and all the danger that goes with being there. Well, it's time you got up and looked at yourself in the mirror. Yup, that's you alright. Nothing seems to have changed on the outside. So this whole ordeal took a week, or a month, or the better part of a year dammit! But it hasn't done too badly for your...your...your outer being. This is what you've looked like, and this is probably how you've always looked and will continue to do so. That's alright. It's all about getting a grip on things and getting on with life. So what if you swing from one branch to the next from time to time?...That's who you are! And standing there in front of the mirror, you begin to feel like you again. So there was this brief bout of being uncomfortable in your own skin. So there was a whole lot of denial about the kind of person that you thought you were and the kind of person you knew yourself to be. So there have been things like this before, and you've come through alright. So what? Well, maybe you should stop wondering about what the hell your life means or what it's worth and just keep going. Yup, maybe that's what you should do...
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