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Thursday, January 29, 2009

A walking disaster am I

I've spent most of my life trying to figure things out. These "things" as I so unflatteringly refer to them, range from figuring out about myself, what I want to do with myself, what I want my life to be like, and how I want to go about my daily existence. I've seen role models aplenty, and I've arrived at several hodge-podge amalgamations of what I'd like my life to be like based on select aspects of these lives. This didn't work. I've tried pursuing an austere path because I thought that by denying myself any pleasure I was sure to make life simpler, and I would be spared the pain. I couldn't have been further from the truth on this one. And, unfortunately, there seems to be a whole host of tried-and-tested wholesome failures that come together to form an intangible entity that I call "My life".

My life. Right. What a ride it's been. Slow-climbing ups and free-falling downs. But through it all, I've maintained an attitude of letting people know that being around me may be hazardous to their health. I've warned people that I don't know what I'm doing. That I don't have it all together. That I don't have anything near anywhere close to figured out. Most of all, I've discouraged people from following my example, and I've shied away from and rejected all praise. That's how I like to maintain responsibility in my life. By trying to protect the world from going down the same path; following a blind heretic who will surely get them killed. Strange...but ultimately true, I've always believed.

For those who know me, I've lived my life as an open book. Well, a better way of saying that is, I've always treated what some would consider "sensitive areas" of my life to be open to objective discussion. Ok, not always, but of late; the last seven or ten years or so. I've tried to say, "Look at me and how idiotic I've been. I've wasted my life in the misguided search for things that were right in front of me the whole time. This isn't the way to go, so please, SAVE YOURSELVES!"

But, this hasn't worked. No. People come up to me with an he's-got-to-be-on-the-level-because-he's-trying-to-save-us look on their faces. It's insane! They find my warning them to stay away somehow endearing, and they draw closer, thrusting their messes at me. And I can't take it anymore!

I'm no saviour. I'm barely getting through life myself. I'm the one who needs guidance, so please don't follow me. Don't even listen to me. Just trust that your hopes and your dreams will get you to where you want to go. Or, better yet, try and have a more grateful attitude to the things in your life. No need to compare yourself with anyone else for this. Just genuinely be thankful for everything. Your time here on Earth. Your family. Your friends. Your ups and downs. Your ability to weather the storms that life throws your way. Anything. Just be happy in the knowledge that no one has it quite as good as you. Easier said than done. And I'm not the first person you've heard say this. But what I'm trying to say is it's upto you. Your life is yours. Just like mine is something that I've got to figure out. It may sound selfish, but that's the way it is. I don't have any answers. In fact, like I started out by saying, my life is the perfect example of how not to go about things. So why come to me for cliched advice? Why ask someone who has no idea what he thinks you should do? Why trust his own, confused explanations and interpretations?

So please, stay away. You could get hurt by coming anywhere near this flaming inferno of an existence. Save yourselves...and leave me be.
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