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Monday, March 16, 2009

Hiding in the box

Quite the regular kind of guy, I consider myself to be. So, it's normal for me to have played it safe in my life so far. I don't mean to sound like I'm going to go bungee jumping tomorrow, although I am curious enough to try in the future, but I'm refering to my oh-so-regular life. I don't consider myself to have done anything out of the ordinary, or to have pushed myself to any great limits, except those that regard patience when it comes to dealing with others. On the contrary, I think I've been very happy to carry around my little shell, like some kind of hermit crab, trying out different shells to see which one fits the best. That's it, I hadn't thought of it this way before. It's like I've either found ways to make the most of the situations that I find myself in, or to identify situations where I would be most comfortable for not having to come out of my shell. Unless taken to some extreme form, most of this behaviour is quite normal so it's nothing much to talk about, on the one hand. However, on the other hand, I can't figure out why I would hold myself back and settle for less, if there ever was such a thing in life. I think I've gotten too used to just standing in the background, making sure things are going well, and not really being active in anything, or about anything. No, that's not entirely true, but there is a certain element of truth in it. Perhaps, some of this is a little bit of remorse, for not having given it my best when I could have, and for not giving it my all each and every time. Always one to admonish/berate myself, I think I've gone too far, scaring myself into submission. But, this isn't true all the time. It's just that, there are times when I look back at a moment in the past and all of the if-only moments come flooding back in an attempt to drown any salvaged pride. And now, that's me, daring only to stick my head up out of the box so that I can catch a glimpse of any withdrawing danger. Maybe this is step one. Maybe after this, I will stick my head out and make an effort to leave the confines of this box. My box. My world in a three-dimensional package. Next step, getting my head all the way out so I can survey my surroundings. But, what if I lose it in the process? Oh, the miseries of second-guessing uncertainties.
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