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Wednesday, March 04, 2009

The Lure of Asceticism

I've toyed with the idea of renouncing the world and leaving it all behind. It hasn't been a secret because I've often spoken about it with friends and family, but most of them have thought that I was joking. Well, maybe the whole idea was a joke because I wasn't any closer to realizing this dream. A dream. Yes. That's it.

And what a thing to dream of, come to think of it. I guess I've spent a large part of my life detesting humanity. I've hated other people for the way in which they live their lives, uncaring of the fact that life exists in everything, in forms other than human. I've hated myself for the form in which I walk the Earth for this very reason. But then I thought about it and came to understand that I had one of a couple of paths before me to pursue. The first was to try and save the environment and life as I knew it. The second, well, with a slight Buddhist leaning, is that I could use this life in my current form to derive an answer to the plight of humanity. The best way to do this, I figured, was to leave all of this behind and to take some time out from civilization. But that was some time ago.

Since this time, I've experimented with the tried-and-tested formula for a life, which is joining the "rat race", I've tried embracing a career that I've stumbled into and had to it used to, and at the moment, I'm trying to go off the beaten path and work for myself. Nothing has seemed to appeal to me in all the attempts I've made to make sense of this world that I find myself in, but I have to say that I've got a warm and fuzzy feeling about the insanely confused here-and-now.

Through all of this, however, I find that the wilderness keeps beckoning. It seems to present itself as the most prized last resort, but keeps me away long enough for me to have to deal with my reality. Always a carrot on a stick. Tempting me, by not offering me anything. Or is that everything? Only time will tell how this city-bred, consistently confused person will take to his so called dream. Maybe it'll be a dream. So sure of it, yet not so sure, all at the same time. Maybe it's time to ease the mind in preparation of this final step.

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