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Thursday, March 19, 2009

One day...

It feels so quiet and lonely. So empty and cold inside. I don't know where I went so wrong. I don't know how I could get it so wrong. What was I thinking? What was I doing? Looking for something that I'd conjured up in my head, and failing to find it because it didn't exist. No. I was trying to create a Frankenstein-bride of a companion, or an image of one, pieced together from the visions of perfect companionship that float around in my head. That hasn't worked. Not yet, anyway. My own doing, trying to create infinite beauty from all the ingredients to make a hideous beast.

Still searching. Still looking. In vain. Well, for right now, anyway. But the more I look, the more I try to fuse together diametric opposites, the more I fail. And the more I fail, the more futile it seems. The more futile it seems, the more I think about how I may be overlooking something right under my very nose. But that's just a thought. There's nothing there. It's just a thought.

But I can't shake the feeling that it'll be ok. That I'll finally get it right. That I'll finally be able to blend abstraction and reality and put everything in perspective. That I'll finally have someone by my side. Someone who will want me as badly. Someone who will laugh at my jokes. Someone who will let me know when I'm being a fool. Someone who wants me there. Under that umbrella. With my arm around her shoulder. Someone. One day...

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