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Friday, April 03, 2009

Ambitiously Ambivalent

I have always tried to answer one question that seems to plague my very existence. In spite of several repeated attempts to quell this unseemly curiosity, I always find myself stumped with the myriad responses that I come up with. "What are you doing here?" This the question that I have trouble coming up with an appropriate answer to. And, I don't know why. It seems to be one of those torn-between-believing-in-fate-and-creating-my-own-destiny kinds of dilemmas that come through my head every now and again.

The joking response has always been to look around me and go, "Well, I hope I walked into this place to grab a bite to eat. I mean, why else would I come into a restaurant?" It's stupid, I know, but this kind of nonsense, or sheer senselessness is just a mechanism to not have to deal with anything pertinent.

Do I know where I'm going? Do I know why I'm doing what I'm doing at the moment? Do I have any idea of where I want to be? Do I know why I put one foot in front of the other each and every day? Do I know why I haven't ever stopped breathing in spite of the numerous times I've almost lost my life? Do I believe in god or am I a victim of the circumstances that I create for myself? Do I believe that my life has been laid out before me and that I am going through the motions like I should? Do I know why I don't smile when I wake up most mornings? Do I even realize what it means to be truly apathetic towards existence, and all life around me? Am I apathetic? Isn't it just a defense mechanism that kicks into gear every time I find that I don't want to involve myself with something? Like the stupid questions I try and answer whenever I'm trying to make light of some situation or the other. Is there more to it than that? Where do I begin? What am I looking for? Do I even know the answer to one of the questions here? Am I ever going to find out. No wait. Am I ever going to let myself find out? Does it matter? Do I care? Do I know what I'm doing here? Well, do I?



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