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Thursday, April 09, 2009

The half grin of inner chagrin


That's me smiling at the camera. I'm happy. Happy that it's finally working. Well, kind of happy. At first, when I dropped the phone, I was scared. Scared that I'd damaged it. Then, I was sad. Sad because it seemed like I was reliving an all too familiar phase of my life. Sad that on a day like today, everything seemed to be going against me. And then, it came flooding back to me.

I remember that I had a good life, but only because I'd learned to block out all the unhappiness. My days were filled with joy if I could keep myself from facing the world that staring me in the face. But people always disagreed. They always said that I was the master of my own destiny, that I could be happy if I wanted to be and if I chose to make myself feel it. They made me ignore the sadness in my life by making myself believe that it wasn't there. And that was a dangerous path I went down. Several years later, my sadness has gotten strong enough to overpower me.

That's me smiling at the camera. I'm confused. Confused because my mind is cramped with strange emotions and conflicting voices. I'm not happy. I'm smiling. Smiling, because I want to be appear normal. I want to appear normal because then they'll leave me alone. But that may not be for a while now. So, I'm smiling at the camera. But I'm not happy. I'm sad.

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